Head on the Table

Sarcasm, satire and cartoons

Sally Goos (Part 2 /The Last Chapter)

Written By: Sy - Aug• 28•11



“Look.” Sally said to Will and Bob “You stupid hicks did alright for yourselves. Agreed? Yeah I know you’re still questioning the money, but you just made real money, you’ll see, and it’s more money than you would have had the brain power to make between the two of you over the next 30 yrs, but like I said, I like you. Well the truth is I felt sorry for you. I knew what you guys wanted to do, don’t ask how, and I knew that you’d never get anywhere on your own, so I decided to help you out and now you boys need to help your own selves and get your stupid asses out of this town forever, because you’re no longer welcome here.

So what you need to do for me is, you need to take this money and do whatever the fuck you wanna do with it, and just forget where it came from. If I ever see either one of you again.” Sally said, trailing off in a low introspective voice. She looked to be in deep thought, she paused and looked back at Will and Bob, “Hey, you guys remember when I took that potato peeler and ran it down that girl’s spine? Remember the way she screamed, that’s because the pain was real. Now, in about ten seconds I’m gonna reach into my desk drawer and pull out something else and I guarantee that you don’t want to be here when I do.”

Will and Bob grabbed the folders and bolted from Sally’s office. Within minutes they were in their car and headed out of town.

The money was real just like Sally said, and Will and Bob invested it in a few successful businesses and got married. Bob got divorced and remarried a couple of times, they both  raised families and lived happily ever after and that’s pretty much it, or it would have been if not for Bob.

If there is a Bob involved, you know that he’s always gonna be the one to fuck things up right? Don’t know why that is, but it is. If you have a Will and a Bob and anything is gonna go wrong it’s gonna be because of the Bob. On the other hand, If you have a Neil and Bob then that just means, of course, that you’re getting a blow job.

Alright, so one day Bob goes missing. Oh, almost forgot. This is forty years later and the two of them are in their mid sixties. So what happens is that Bob’s 30 yr old, third wife Melanie and Will’s 35 yr old son Jay have become, um, best friends, shall we say. Well, Bob tells Melanie that he’s taking the old KIA for a drive and maybe he’ll do some fishing. He just wants to be alone for a while.

So Jay comes over to hang out and keep Melanie company. He leaves around six pm, because he figures Bob will be coming home, but Bob never does come home.

The next day Bob still isn’t home, so Melanie asks Jay to ask his dad if he’s heard from him, but Will hasn’t heard from Bob either. “He left in the KIA?”  Will says. “He hasn’t driven that car for years. That’s the same car we came here in 40 yrs ago, he always considered it to his good luck charm and he never wanted to get rid of it. He still always kept it in running condition, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he  had car trouble somewhere and maybe his phone’s dead.

Hmmm, I know all of Bob’s fishing spots, so before we panic, let me see if I can find him.” Will said.

Will didn’t really think that Bob went fishing. There was only one reason he could think of that Bob would have driven off in the KIA. Bob had talked about maybe trying to find that Knarley town again, just for the heck of it, and when the town didn’t even show up on any Google map or Yahoo map or any other search, it continued to nag at him.

Will hoped that Bob had not gone off in search of that town, ’cause for one thing, they had been warned not to, and Will weren’t no idiot, he didn’t need to unnecessarily complicate his life.  He hoped instead that Bob’s car had actually broke down by one of his fishing spots. He checked a couple of them and he didn’t find Bob at either one but what he did find he sure as heck wasn’t prepared for.

After leaving the second of Bob’s fishing spots and driving down a road that he had driven down a hundred times before, he saw something that he had never seen, because it was something that he knew had never been there before.

He saw a sign that said Knarley was just about a mile or so down a side road he’d never remembered seeing either. Now to put it mildly, this kind of freaked him out a bit, but he took it as an invitation and reluctantly followed the road anyway.

Several minutes later he drove across a short bridge that led to a sign that said Welcome to Knarley and he continued on until he came to the saloon, and there, on the steps of the saloon sat Bob. Not the 65 yr old Bob, the 25 yr old Bob looking just the way he did when they had first stumbled upon this town.

“Hey Will.” Bob said.

“What the hell is going on?” Will asked.

“It’s Sally.” Bob said. “She gave me back my youth, and she provided that shortcut for you, so you wouldn’t have to go the long way like I did, and if you go through that saloon door, she’ll also give you back your youth.”

“She will?”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t advise you doing it, Will.”

“You wouldn’t, why not?”

“Well, take a look around you. Notice anything different from the last time we were here?”

“It’s been a while. I’m not too sure. I guess everything looks about the same.”

“That’s my point. Everything still does look the same, but remember how there was always construction going on. How the limo driver told us that they were always building. Take another look, see, they’re still working those same houses. They’re still working on that same school, the same museum, everything.”

‘So, they haven’t finished them, yet?”

“Hell yeah they’ve finished them. That’s all that they do. They work on these projects endlessly. The inspectors come burdened with all these lists. This list to check that list, to check this list, to check another list, one punch list against another punch list against another punch list. Until the work is perfect, until you’ve put everything you’ve got into making your work completely flawless, until they have nothing more to nick pick on or criticize and once the work is absolutely perfect. They knock it down and you start all over again.

There’s no accomplishment, there’s no pride, no nothing. Just endless labor. Sally still hasn’t decided where she’s going to put me. I can hardly wait.”

“Damn, Bob, that sounds like hell.”

“It’s actually what we used to call Purgatory. It’s the clearing house on your way to eternity. Not for everybody, just for the people who they’re not sure of, who may still have some redeeming qualities. It’s Sally’s decision who goes where. A lot of the people here are murderers but it might have been in a fit of rage and Sally has to decide if they still warrant a chance at a decent eternity. Some might be guilty of child neglect or even molestation, there are habitual liars and con men, all sorts of people, a real gnarly group.

So whoever ends up here, knows that they had better please Sally, get on her good side, which is an impossible job too, since she doesn’t really have one. She just has one side that’s not quite as bad as the other one.”

“From what you’re telling me, Bob, it’s like you’re saying that Sally is god.”

“Oh yeah, she wishes she was. No, Sally is the angel-in-charge, and I use that term loosely. She was put here for being a fuck-up herself, and the way she looks is part of her punishment. God knows what she used to look like, no pun intended. Also this isn’t the only one of these places. It’s just the only one in this country. Sometimes, I understand, if they want to fuck with you more, they’ll send you to this one town where not one person speaks the same language as anybody else and where they’re still working on the same house as when the town opened up and they’ll leave you there for a couple of hundred years just for laughs.”

“I think their pulling your leg on that one, Bob. In that amount of time, I know people would figure out a way to communicate.”

“Not if you know what’s good for you, you won’t. Don’t you get it, Will, this is punishment. You’re supposed to be suffering. If you aren’t suffering, you’re not with the program. It’s prison, but when you get out you don’t go back to your old life. You go on to where ever the angel in charge says you go on to, and remember how they helped us out, that’s part of it too. It wasn’t about us, we were just luck of the draw. Every once in a while they will help someone on earth out just to show the residents how good they could have had it, if they hadn’t been fuck -ups. Sally didn’t care about us. She was only shoving it in these people’s faces and even showing them updates of our lives.”

“What do you mean, showing them?”

“They can look at us whenever they want, even in private moments but don’t worry about it, they don’t care about the fucking part. I mean you don’t get judged on it, they don’t care about who or how you fuck someone as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve, you know, some kind of horrific violence. So for them to show us fucking, is just more punishment for these people, because here that’s not allowed.

You remember how those guys were pushing their wives on us and saying to tell them the next morning how they were. We thought it was kind of sick and perverted, but those guys were serious, they wanted to know, because they never get to touch them. Now I wish I had fucked every one of those guys wives.

The only action in this place is, actually,  Sally, whoever she decides she wants to be with and I can’t wait for that either.” Bob said with a sarcastic shiver. “It could be worse, though, the angel-in- charge in some towns is a male and also, Sally could get relieved of her duties at any time and then who knows who we’d end up with.”

“So, then those girls we were with usually don’t get sex at all?” Will said.

“You weren’t listening. I just told you, Sally is the only action around here, read between the lines, Will.

So anyway, from what they tell me, that saying that says you reap what you sow, is pretty much how it goes. If you sow a good life, then you reap a good afterlife, so in spite of my infidelities with my wives, Sally says I would have been ok, I would have just ended up someplace where everybody cheats on everybody else, which would have been fine with me.

My only real crime was that I pissed her off by coming back, so now it’s her decision or who ever replaces her, what’s gonna happen to me. If she does get replaced, she says she still might put in a good word for me, but I’m not exactly counting on that. All and all, though I think eventually I’ll be alright, I mean how mad can she really be at me?”

“So what you’re telling me is that right now…you’re dead, right?” Will asked.


“So does that mean that I’m dead?”

“Nope. You’re ok, in fact you’re better than ok. You always were a goody goody, so when you die, I’m sure you’ll be fine in namby-pamby land.

The only reason you’re here is because Sally thought you deserved to know what happened to me and that’s the only reason that I’m being allowed to sit out here and talk to you. As soon as you leave the fun starts for me, but if you don’t leave and walk into that saloon, then you’ll get your youth back and join me and the other people in Knarley. I’m also here to tell you that.”

“Well that ain’t about to happen,” Will said. “So, then, you’ll  never see your children again?”


“You’ll never see your wives again?


“We’ll never sit out by the pool and have beers again?


“You’ll never get to drive your fancy cars again?”


Will just stood there in disbelief, he didn’t want to accept what he was hearing. “Damn. Bob, I feel so bad for you. If only you had known all of this before you went into the saloon. If only someone had been here to warn you, like you were here to warn me.”

“There was. Jeb was here.”

“So you’re saying that Jeb was on the porch and he explained everything to you.”


“Just like you just explained it to me?”


“I don’t understand, Will, why would you do it, then, why? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, Will, on one hand I wasn’t really sure if I believed everything he was telling me and beyond that, to be perfectly honest with you I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”












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  1. psychodoodle says:

    Ok so I was feeling grumpy and remembered I had stuff pending for me to read. Nicely said. Thank you for the reminder. Feeling a bit awkward. Love the humour.

    • Sy says:

      Glad you still like the humor, me too, that’s why I come here. It’s such a fun happy place and also hope that you’re getting over your grumpies because Christmas is right around the corner.

  2. psychodoodle says:

    :D Better now, loaded with work though. And here in Sri Lanka we start getting high about Christmas only towards the end of November, I know, sad right? But that’s when the advertisers and shops start making a din about it. I sometimes get into the Christmas mood at odd times in the year like even April perhaps and start listening to and singing Christmas songs :) Wee! Anyways, hope all’s good with you..

    • Sy says:

      All’s good, I mean I can always find something to complain about if I try but I always end up feeling stupid later when I do that. Yeah, Christmas doesn’t really get started here until around the end of Nov either, but you’ll always run into someone in Sep saying that it’s right around the corner and I guess this time that would be me.

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