Head on the Table

Sarcasm, satire and cartoons

Sally Goos (Part 1)

Written By: Sy - Aug• 24•11

Will and Bob’s Pub was a restored western dance hall saloon in Knarley Nebaska (not a typo. I made up my own state) and as usual the place was packed.

On stage Sally Goos wobbled about on stiff wooden legs, her long, scraggly red hair swinging from side to side, wearing a short black and red dance hall girl’s dress and spewing out a quirky monologue of droll humor and engaging in manic outbursts at the audience.

“If you’re not going to laugh then get the hell out of here. Oh, kill me, please KILL ME!” she shrieked at the full house. “Oh great, now my foot’s asleep. Oh my god, I’ve got coma toes.”

The audience roared, but Sally still pointed to one man in front row who was wearing a black and purple shirt and chastised him “Hey, what’s up with the black and purple?  You heckling me? You trying to say that I’m about as funny as a funeral? I’ve had with you Mr. Your fucking ass is mine.”

With that Sally flung herself from stage and landed directly on the man’s head, her four foot frame swinging and kicking. Blood streamed down from the man’s head as she continued to pummel him, but he kept laughing and did not raise a finger to defend himself. Sally crunched bones in his face with her boney fists and broke some of his fingers, she then dragged him from his seat and stomped on his back until she exhausted her rage.

She then looked at the audience which was still howling with laughter and told them to shut up. “I want one of you to call this guy an ambulance, just one of you, if I hear more than one voice the second person is gonna get the same thing this guy just got.  FIVE SECONDS BITCHES!”

“You’re an ambulance.” one man said jumping to his feet and pointing to the downed man. Luckily he had beat everyone else to the punch, literally.

“Show’s over.” Sally said, turning and wobbling back toward the stage. “Everybody go home. Oh yeah and get this man an ambulance for real.”

Will and Bob stood quietly at the back of the club, leaning against the bar. They had watched this same scene go down over and over again over the last couple of weeks. One night it would be brass knuckles, another night a billy club, another night it might be a medieval ball and chain.

But let’s back up a bit here. Will and Bob were childhood friends who had grown up together in Pinch Nebaska, another small town, even smaller than Knarley and like many other small towners, they dreamed of bigger and better things, not that big of a dream since there wasn’t that much that could be  smaller and worse than spending their lives in Pinch.

While in high school they had made a pact to leave Pinch and look for an opportunity to start their own business elsewhere. They had decided that they wanted to open some sort of store or shop. The plans they made were not exactly well thought out. Pretty much it was just we’ll work until we can save a good amount of money and then head for Governor, Nebaska, which was the capital and the the largest city in the state.

When they got there they just figured they’d find a hotel to stay at and look around for a storefront to rent. Just make it up as they went along.

Then something happened that they hadn’t counted on. A detour to a  town called Knarley. Car trouble on their way to Governor had led them to this town that they had never heard of.

Walking from their stalled car, they had followed a road sign that said Knarley was just about a mile or so down a side road. When they got there the local service station went back and towed in their car and said they needed transmission parts that would take a couple of weeks to get, but it was ok, the town would give them a free hotel room and they didn’t have to worry about a thing, because the locals here liked to be friendly to visitors.

Bob and Will didn’t really have much of a choice, so they took the town up on it’s offer. It was while walking about the town that they came upon the old saloon. It was a pretty phenomenal sight. A throwback to a distant time that still looked every bit as it did when it was first built they imagined, and true to the era an old codger, who said his name was Jeb, was sitting in a wooden rocking chair on the front porch . ”Howdy.” he called to Will and Bob.

“That’s a pretty remarkable place that you’ve got there.” Bob told him.

“Not mine” Jeb told them. “This place belongs to Sally. Right now, it ain’t even operatin’ and she’s looking for someone to run it for ‘er. If you boys are interested, you can go talk to her, she’s right inside.”

“No, were not interested,” Will said, “but thanks anyway.”

“Too bad,” Jeb told them, “that you boys ain’t lookin’ for a good business opportunity, ’cause if you was you’d be fools to pass this place up, but maybe someone who is looking for one will come along soon. The town really misses this place. ”

We are looking for a business opportunity,” Will told Jeb, “but if this place is such a goldmine, why isn’t someone making money from it right now.”

“’cause of Sally.” Jeb told them. “She’s very particular ’bout who she does business with. She don’t wanna deal with none of the locals and right now you boys are the only unlocals ’round here, so like I said, she’s right inside, can’t hurt to talk can it? What the hell else ya’ll got to do anyhow?”

Jeb was right, they didn’t have anything else to do, so they went ahead inside and met Sally, which turned out to be an experience that they were not prepared for.

Sally sat in huge office in the rear of the saloon, behind a large walnut desk that was ten times as big as she was. Sally was pale, thin and frail looking, she looked as if she only stood about four feet high and had long, stringy blond hair about halfway down her back. She wore a white, western type, nightshirt and was crunching on a glass of ice.

“Who the fuck are you?” she asked when Will and Bob came walking in, spitting ice in their direction

“I’m Will and this is my friend Bob. Jeb, out on the front porch, told us we could come in here and talk to you about maybe running this place for you.”

“He did, huh? Well I guess I’ll have to beat his ass later for that one, and don’t let me forget or I’ll beat the fuck out of the two you also.” Sally said, with a sarcastic tone and a grin.

“Yeah, sure, no problem.” Will told her, somewhat grinning himself.

“Uh, huh,” Sally said, “well let me impress one more thing on you guys, if either one of you ever “yeah, sures” me again, your fucking face is gonna look like hamburger. It’s either gonna be “yes m’am or no m’am, don’t answer, just keep your fucking mouths shut and listen. The two of you are gonna run this place for me because I like you. You enjoy yourselves today, anything in this town is yours for the taking, including the women. You be back here tommorrow at 9am sharp and we’ll go over the deal. If you’re not here, believe me you’ll pay for that. If you have any questions keep them to yourselves. Now get the fuck out and have a nice day.”

Will and Bob left the saloon in a state of mild shock. What exactly had just happened? Were they being held prisoner or something? What did she mean that they would pay for it? They both looked at each other and knew that the other was having the same thought, and that was that as soon as their car was ready they were gone from this place.

The night before their meeting with Sally, Will and Bob hardly even got any sleep, the townsfolk plied them with food an drink at the local bar and the women were all over them. Guys were even pushing their wives on them saying things like, “Hey what do you think of my wife? Don’t tell me now, let me know in morning.”

Eventually the boys were so drunk that they had to be carried to their hotel rooms. They each woke up to find three beautiful girls in their rooms, one in their bed, another making breakfast and a third putting out their clothes.

When they were showered and dressed the girls took them downstairs to a waiting limo.

They met up with Sally back at the saloon. Her demeanor was completely the opposite of the night before. She wobbled out in an ankle length, pink floral skirt and white ruffled blouse and with long, curly, black hair that was tied back with a big white bow.

“ You boys have fun last night?” she winked.

“Don’t honestly remember, m’am.” Will answered.

“Well, let me assure you that you did.” Sally grinned. “Now I think that we may have gotten off on the wrong foot last night, but I ain’t about to apologize for nothin’.  Now all I need from you boys, is to run this place for me just until your car gets fixed. I guarantee that it will be worth your while in the end. Deal? Good.

Now I already have a full staff standing by who will take care of everything. All I need for you boys to do is to show up here one hour before we open and for one hour after we close. Your job in between is just to walk around and make sure everybody is keeping busy and, believe me, as soon as they see you coming they will be, but if you happen to catch someone not doing something, you be sure and let me know. That’s it. We open at eight tonight so you boys be back here at seven. I’ll see you then. In the meantime go out and take a look around the town. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I’m the entertainment.”

The limo was still waiting. They got in and told the driver to just show them around. The boys were surprized to see that there was a lot of construction going on. Houses being built, roads being paved, there was a museum and a school also under construction.

“Wow.” Will and Bob said, “Who would have thought that this place would have so much going on.”

“You have no idea.” the driver remarked. “It’s like this all the time around here.”

“Population growing?” Will asked.

“You could say that, but any other questions you got, you really need to ask Sally about. OK?”

“Ah, yeah, sure. OK. “Will replied while giving Bob a curious glance.”

Bob looked back at Will and kind of shook his head like I don’t even think we want to know.

At seven o’clock sharp the boys were back at the saloon. Sally was standing in the middle of the bar area, which was right inside of the front door. She looked up at the clock on the wall. “Good job, right on time. Now just go ahead and have a seat, have something to drink, and just kind of walk around. The show starts in one hour. See ya’ then.”

Exactly one hour later Sally wobbled out on stage with scraggly auburn hair that was streaked black and hung halfway down her back. She was wearing a big black ruffled, floor length, western style dress.

Will and Bob were treated to their first taste of her act.

“What the hell are all of you motherfuckers looking at?” she shouted at the audience, “You’re all a bunch of goddamn perverts is what you are. I know what everyone of you is thinking, but before I tell you what I know you’re thinking I’ll tell you a joke. Why are wedding cakes sad? Because they’re always in tiers. Get it?”

The audience roared with laughter.

She then turned her ire toward a man in the front row who was sporting a full beard. “I don’t like YOU MR. and I hate fucking beards, and before tonight is over, I’m going to fuck your face up so bad that that beard is going to look like a shag carpet over the Grand Canyon, you got that?”

The entire audience, including the man with the beard roared again with laughter.

“Alright,”  Sally said, “Now everybody shut up so I can tell you what you’re all thinking. What you’re all thinking is this. Since I change my hair color every day, you’re all wondering that on what day does the carpet match the drapes, am I right? You’re goddamn right I’m right. You sick pieces of shit.”

With that, Sally wobbled off of the stage and then appeared through the side stage entrance with a bull whip in her hand. She started up between the rows of seats staring at the audience members, all the while they all howled with laughter. She stopped by a man in his twenties who was sitting in an aisle seat and starting whipping him mercilessly with the bullwhip. The man kept laughing and laughing as did the rest of the audience.

After also leaving several other people in a bloody bull whipped mess throughout the next hour, she announced that the show was over. ”Everybody can stay until midnight and do what ever you want. Just be back here tomorrow at eight. Will and Bob, in my office. Now.”

Will and Bob could not move fast enough. They were on Sally’s heels as she went into her office and took her place behind the huge desk. “Tonight was a roaring success.” she said as threw the blood stained whip out onto the desk. If only I could show you the box office, but not yet and I can’t even begin to wonder what the bar and restuarant are going to bring in. They loved me and on top of that, I feel so good that I might even give you guys a bonus on top of your salary. Now get the fuck out of my office and smooze with the locals. I’ll see you tomorrow at seven.”

And so it went for about four nights a week for the next two weeks and during that time noone was working on the construction projects. It was like everyone was on holiday.

Will and Bob stopped by the service station on the fourteenth day to see if the parts for their car were in and sure enough, the man said that they were.

“So how long before the car is ready?” they asked

“Oh, about five, six days or so.”

“Why so long?”

“Well first I got to make a list of all the parts that come. and that will take one day.”

“Why will that take a day just to do that?” Bob asked

“Because Sally says it will.” the man answered.

“Then I have to check the list I make against the list that come with the parts.”

“Why can’t you just check the parts that came against the list that came with the parts and save a day?” Will asked.

“Because Sally says I have to make my own list. That’s why.” the man answered, “and, um well, that’s going to take another day.”

By time the man was finished talking about the lists, he was up to the sixth day already.

“You’re already up to the sixth day and you haven’t even mentioned fixing the car. It sounds like it’s going to be more than five or six days. It sounds more like it’s going to be another two damn weeks at least.” Bob barked at the man.

“First of all, Sally probably heard that outburst,” the man said “and second of all, the car is already fixed. It’s just that Sally says a job ain’t finished until all of the lists is done and you can’t finish the lists until the job gets done, and that’s just how it is and there’s nothing that I can do about that. I’m sure the two of you understand.”

They didn’t understand, but they had no choice. “Ok, so five or six days you say?”

“Mmm hmm, five, six days.”

Sally performed every night for the next five nights and on the fifth night she told the boys to be in her office at 8 sharp the next morning.

When they got to the saloon, they saw their car sitting outside. Inside the saloon Sally sat behind her desk with a couple of blue paper folders in front of her.

“Come on in boys. Your car’s ready so that means our contract is up and you’ll be leaving straight away. Wish I could’ve got rid of you sooner, but you needed to earn your pay and believe it or not there are rules even I have to live by. So here’s your money,” she said pushing the folders across the desk toward Will and Bob.”

Will and Bob opened their folders and stared at the papers in disbelief.

“I know, it’s a shock.” Sally said. “I didn’t tell you guys that I was paying you a million dollars a week after taxes because you might have thought that I was a little nuts if I had said that, but it’s all real, it’s all good. You’ll even notice that I paid you for three full weeks even though you only worked five days this last week. That’s the bonus I said I was giving you. Everything is in the folders, your ATM cards, tax papers, bank info, pin numbers. Go ahead and stop at the first ATM and check it out.

“Your car is sitting out front. It’s fixed, it’s full of gas, Governor is waiting for you and I only need you to do one more thing for me before you go.”

( Part 2 on Saturday)






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