Head on the Table

Sarcasm, satire and cartoons


Written By: Sy - Apr• 28•11

This story I e-mailed out last summer and got mixed reactions to. Nothing really sparked it’s writing, it’s just kind of, guy humor.

A couple of people liked it, one showed it to some of his friends, two others said “good story,” two more had no comment and the last guy said that he couldn’t believe that I wrote a story about “that.” I told him that I didn’t, he said that I did and that was that.

I insist that I didn’t write a story about “that,” because no matter what the subject matter is, it’s really all about me trying to be entertaining and to me this is just an animal interest story about a stray dog in a small town who helps to solve a murder, sort of.

This is a story I actually overheard in a roadside bar that I stopped into while driving through Kansas. I don’t remember the name of the town, but this skinny, bearded, biker looking guy was telling a big boned, dark haired woman how a local murder had been solved with evidence provided by a stray dog that hung around the bar.

The men had named the dog Juke, because he would curl up and sleep  in the back storage room, right next to an old juke box

After hearing the story I went over and asked the man if the story was true. He told me it was and introduced himself as a well known local named “Busty”.

“His real name’s Rick.” the woman told me, we just call him Busty ’cause he’s always getting busted for one thing or another, you know, drinking, fighting. Just can’t seem to keep his ass out of jail.

The woman then introduced herself as “Janine”, but Rick likes to call me “Lady Meatsauce”.

“I”ll let you figure that one out yourself.” she grinned.

So anyway. here’s the story as Rick told it to Janine. I just call it “Juke”

A powerful odor come in, a dominatin’ the bar. It were ol’ Juke Dog. His drippy ass doggy bone just a flopping from side to side. It were clear to see that he had just got hisself some and had come to brag about it.

The men in the bar gathered around as Juke laid on his back and started bicycling in the air with his feet.

“That mean she warn’t willin’.” Tommy said, “Ol’ Juke had to run the bitch down.”

Then Juke stood up and stomped one of his front paws on the floor, hard as he could.

“Ya’ll put your foot down, didn’t ya boy!” the men said, encouraging him to continue. They knew Juke liked to stretch the facts and that the bitch was probably more than willing.

“So what happened next?” they asked excitedly. “Come on boy, show us.”

Juke put his front paws up on a chair seat and starting making humping motions.

“Oh, yeah, Juke be doin’ it. Do it, Juke. Do It.” they all howled, laughing and drinking their beers.

Then Juke fell over onto his back and lay there stiff as a board, with his legs straight up in the air and his tongue hanging out.

“What you trying to tell us, boy?” the men asked. “Are you trying to tell us that you fucked the bitch to deadth?”

Juke stood up and grinned.

“Ah, Juke that ain’t too cool, ya shouldn’t oughta be fuckin’ noone to deadth. If you wanna fuck your own self to deadth, that’s one thing, but we all hope you isn’t tellin’ the trudth about this.” Tommy said, speaking for every man in the room.

Juke, then hung his head and looked for some understanding in faces of the men, but they all just shook their heads. His celebrity gone, he turned and walked out the back door of the bar.

A few minutes later, Sheriff  Bob “Wall-to-Wall”  Holden came stompin’ in the front door, all four hundred pounds of him.

“I”m huntin’ me a murdrer.” he announced. “I’m a lookin’ for that murdrin Juke Dog.”

“Who did he kill?”, Busty asked.

“He done kilt my wife.” Wall-to-Wall answered, sittin’ down across three chairs and weeping into his hands.

“I was just about to tell him which way Juke had gone.” Busty said to Janine, “But, then old

wall-to-wall stood up and I noticed a peculiar stain on the backside of his britches, some of which had gotten deposited on one of the chairs. Somethin’ didn’t seem right, and I motioned the others not to say anythin.”

“After the Sheriff left we inspected the stain, and the odor eminatin’ from it was unmistakable. It was dog semen. Juke Dog to be exact.”

“Over the years I had come to know quite a few law officers and they all knew me. So I called up the state police station and the rest of it, as they say, is the rest of it.”

After the state police confronted the sheriff with the evidence, he broke down and told the whole sordid story.

“You see what actually happened was that the sheriff was carryin’ on with that ol’ hound and on that day and his wife walked in and caught ol’ Juke humpin’ the shit out of her husband.

She wasn’t upset, though, the whole scene actually turned her on, so she stripped off her draws and announced that she was next.

The sheriff, however, was afraid that word would get out and he’d be a laughing stock.

So, knowing that his wife, who had already had triple by-pass surgery could probably not survive a full-out Juke Dog bonin’ he egged Juke on until the missus collapsed. After that he figured he’d have to kill Juke too.”

“So what stopped him?” Lady Meatsauce asked.

“Well, ya see, while Juke was up the wife, the sheriff was takin care of business hisself, and after sheriff Bob busted his nut, he fell asleep for a while, but not Juke, he was engernized, like he always is after he’s been humpin, and came a prancin’ over to the bar to brag.”

“Wow.” Lady Meatsauce said, “So Juke’s lucky to be alive.”

“Sure is.” Busty answered,”That hound’s been lucky his whole damn life. That’s why we keep him around. That’s dog’s our good luck charm.”

‘Now I understand why you men are always feeding that dog and letting him sleep there in back room,” Janine said, ” I used to wish that that old hound would get hit by a car one day, so I wouldn’t have to look at him no more, but now, just thinking about ol’ Juke brings a smile to my face. In fact I wouldn’t be surprized if one day I came to love that mutt just as much as you guys seem to.”

“I wouldn’t be surprized either.” Busty answered, smiling, “After all Juke is, for shor, one easy dog to love.”

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  1. psychodoodle says:

    😀 what the hell?? *ahem* entertaining though!!

    • Sy says:

      I was almost hoping you wouldn’t read this.
      I think I was using this as a metaphor for the joys of indulging in unrestrained excess without responsibility or consequence.
      Sounds good, anyway.

  2. psychodoodle says:

    mmm hmmm… really? was that what u were thinking now? 😛

    • Sy says:

      ah, yeah, because at the time all I’m trying to do is channel whatever energy I’m feeling before I lose it, so later I’ll have to look back and wonder “what the hell was that all about?’

  3. Troi says:

    A little distasteful. I almost wish I hadn’t read it…

    • Sy says:

      I actually had reservations about posting this story, but in the end decided that my humor is too good to keep to myself, regardless what subject matter I exploit to get it out,
      Still, I do try to keep things within certain boundaries of taste.

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