Head on the Table

Sarcasm, satire and cartoons

Chapter 10, Mary Mary, Quite Inconsolable

Written By: Sy - Feb• 20•11

“A bag of quarters! A bag of quarters!” Mary called out, her crys issuing through the halls of the Oregon State Mental Hospital.

“There she goes again.” Nurse Klein said, shaking her head. Nurse Polk glanced up from her paperwork and shook her head, “yeah she’s definitely lost it, I don’t think she’s going to bounce back this time. You want to give her a sedative or should I?”

“I’ll give it to her,” nurse Klein answered, “but, you know, try to put yourself in her place and think about everything that she’s gone through. First of all, she’s not even anything special or unique, she’s just a common roly-poly, but somehow the most interesting men keep falling for her, like the Johnson twins in high school, but what happens, they die in a fiery car crash …

“Ladies, ladies”.  It was the Hospital Administrator, Dr. Dolores Mitchel hastily approaching the nurses station. “Ladies I need your attention. We will be hosting a very distinguished guest this afternoon and I need both of you to be completely professional when she gets here. Heavy Floe is coming to observe, and talk to Mary, if she’s coherent enough, so hopefully you haven’t had to sedate her tonight.”

“We were just about to,” Nurse Klein said, “luckily you caught us in time.”

“Good,”  Dr. Mitchel said, because Floe is researching the  follow-up to her first hit single “Fiery Car Crash, and,”  Head Nurse Mitchell added,  ” I hear she’s bringing her opening act with her.”

“You mean those lesbian twins, the “Clone Dykes?”  God, I can’t stand them and that stupid message song of theirs, “Take a minute out of  your day.” makes me want to vomit.” nurse Klein said.

“Me too.” Nurse Polk chimed in.”  Take a minute out of you day, don’t look the other way. Take a minute out of your day, don’t look the other way.” she went on, mocking the song. “Nobody’s taking  minute out their day to do anything for us.”

Despite all of the changes in society,  the gays were still considered the odd people out. Their place in the present world was the same as it had been in the previous one. They were still fighting for acceptance and it wasn’t only them, racial prejudices seemed to be having a hard time dying out also. To be accepted you had to have something radically different physically going on with you.

The “Clone Dykes” song had been prompted by the comment that their father made when they “came out” to him.  He told them, “Ya know, I raised you girls as white upper middle class and you go make yourselves into minorities, and like every other minority you expect everyone else to take a damn minute out their day to recognize the fact that you have problems. Well guess who else has problems, every other f*king one of us, so boo hoo. Can I get back to my day now?”

The girls looked at each other in a moment of shared inspiration. “Yeah, they said, everyone should take at least a minute out of their day to recognize the plights of others. Thanks dad.” and off to their room they went to write the song, which became a modest hit for them.”

“Look.” Dr. Mitchell, went on, “I know how these things go, and when they get here, you might feel a lot different after seeing them in person, but  no matter how star struck you are, I don’t want either one of you asking anyone for their autograph or bothering them in any way. Now, Heavy will probably have some questions for the two of you. Just answer whatever she asks, and that’s all. Do not try making chit chat. Do you understand? ”

“Yes Ma’am.” They answered.

Dr Mitchel then softened her demeanor and reached into her purse. “Here, these are for you,” she said, producing a couple of autographed pink ipods that looked like  Tampon cases, Tampon being the sponsor of Heavy Floe’s tour. “These are autographed prototypes of Floe’s new album “Heavier than Ever” with some exclusive sample tracks on them. No one outside of her inner circle has these. When her manager called to set up the interview, he offered me “one” to butter me up, but I told him that we would need three.”  Dr. Mitchel said, smiling.

“Thank you, Ma’am.” The girls said excitedly.

“O.K., now you ladies have a good evening, and don’t forget what I said.” Dr. Mitchel told them, then she headed back to her office.

Nurse Klein looked at nurse Polk, “Can you believe this?” she asked.

“Wow.” Nurse Polk said, “You know, Dr. Mitchel is alright. She doesn’t let that goiter go to her head.”

“She sure doesn’t.” Nurse Klien answered. “I wonder if this album is going to be as good as “Can’t Stop the Floe?”

“I Pull My Own Strings” was my favorite,” Nurse Polk said. “Still Floe’in” was a little  weak, but it had some good stuff on it. I still, can’t believe this. I love “Heavy”. She’s so real. I saw her story on “Fuse.” She never forgot her roots, she’s still just a regular person. I’m sure she wouldn’t care if we asked her a few questions.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, I don’t want to risk losing my job, but anyway, as I was saying,” nurse Klien went on, and at that same moment, Mary began screaming again from her room.

Nurse Klien waited a few moments for Mary to stop, then shook her head and finished her thought. “Suppose everything that happened to Mary had happened to you. Her first loves die in a fiery car crash and she’s sure that she’s lost her one chance at happiness and then what happens, a hit song is written about the crash and she’s constantly reminded of the tradgedy. For years she’s tortured by this song. Then finally it dies down and she manages to get her head back to together and go on with her life.”

“I know,” nurse Polk interjects, “and then what happens, her life starts looking up again when the most interesting man to pass through Dipdrought, in years, for some unfathomable reason, falls for her, and then what happens to him? He gets into fiery car crash in the same place where her first loves crashed, burned and died.”

“But”, nurse Klein says taking over, “he doesn’t die. Instead, miraculously, he lives and the doctors reconstruct his face to the exact condition it was before the accident and now even his body has interesting burn scars. I mean the situation just keeps getting better and better, but then, what happens?”

“Exactly”, nurse Polk says, “then, this guy, Mary’s second true love, is found dead in his hotel room. Shot through the head several times and nobody knows why. Heck, nobody even knows who this guy really was.”

“And now,” nurse Klein says, “Heavy Floe is writing a new song about her, and you know that this song is going to be a hit, maybe even a bigger hit than the first song.”

“Right,” nurse Polk said, “and you know for sure that the radio and all of the music channels will be bringing back the original song and the video as well, not to mention all of the people who will probably download the song for a ring tone. Not only that, but you know someone will definitely be making a movie from all of this. How can you let a story like this one get away? Mary won’t be able to escape this for the rest of her life.”

“So, I ask you,” nurse Klein says, “what if all of that had happened to you? How do you think you would be at this point?”

“You know how I’d be,” nurse Polk said, “I’d be thinking, boy, does someone up there like me or what? What an interesting life I’m having!”

“You know it,” nurse Klein answered, “I’d be looking at the other girls like, “What do you mean you never had even one man get blown up over you, heck, I’ve had three, and one of them was blown up and shot nine times. You girls aren’t even in my class, don’t even bother talking to me.

The two girls laughed for a minute, then nurse Klein went on. “Instead, she’s in there crying, and going crazy and everything. That phony roly-poly. Gland problem, my foot. I could be like her too if I didn’t have any self-respect. Just stuff my face full of food all day and claim that it’s a medical condition. I’d give my right eye to be in her position.”

Nurse Polk gave nurse Klein a concerned look.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” nurse Klein said, while looking down at the checklist of rounds she still had to perform that night,  “all that I’m saying is that I wish I could have something special happen in my life. People like Mary and her lovers, they don’t know what it’s like to have to live every day with nothing interesting in your life. I mean there’s nothing special about the way either of us look, we’re boringly normal looking girls, living even more boring, uninteresting lives. I mean  people should learn to appreciate what they’ve got. Some people you can lay the world at their feet and still…!”

“You mean like us?” nurse Polk said.


“Yeah, because maybe, like you said, there is nothing all that special about us, but we did have some interesting stuff  just happen to us and we’re still complaining.”

“I guess that’s true,” Nurse Klein laughed. “We are getting to meet Heavy and I guess I am a little excited about meeting the Dykes too, and we did get these cool ipods.”

“Kind of makes you wonder if we ever will find out.” Nurse Polk said.

“Find out what?”

“You know, what it would take… for people to just be happy.”

The End

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